


just (don't) forget about me

by IceEckos12



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Child Neglect, Depression, M/M, akashi is less of a dick than usual, as in they are definitely a thing, hanamiya is also a major dick, heavily, heavily referenced kiyohyuu, kiyohyuu are married and all the kohai know it, kiyoshi and kuroko are the best bros ever, kiyoshi is willing to give hugs, kuroko has a violent moment there, kuroko is lonely, kuroko needs much hugs, like hella angst, messing with canon a little, much angst, oh and he joins a fight club, somewhat suicidal thoughts?, tetsuya is just really really lonely and he definitely needs a friend, that's actually basically the summary, there's some cute stuff in there i guess, they're just not the main storyline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-04
Updated: 2015-07-20
Packaged: 2018-04-02 18:40:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4070452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IceEckos12/pseuds/IceEckos12
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No one remembers Kuroko Tetsuya for very long. It's not his fault, though it's not something he enjoys. </p>
<p>He copes, in the only way he knows how.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to trunkasaurus on tumblr, who adores Kiyohyuu like hell and whose awesome reviews helped me write this. You're the best bae. 
> 
> (She totally posted kiyohyuu pictures on my screen as I was writing the little shit.)
> 
> Anyway I hope you enjoy the angst.

When Tetsuya is born, his parents almost leave him at the hospital; they drive two blocks away before they remember the newest member of their family. The new parents panic for a moment, but ultimately laugh it off as a result of the unfamiliarity of it all. They think that they just have to mentally shift gears, and they’ll quickly get used to the idea of their baby. 

They really, really don’t. 

Half the time his parents forget to feed Tetsuya, because he’s such a quiet baby who hardly ever cries at all. And even when he does, it’s less the sound of a squalling babe and more of a grudging acquiescence to the fact that he’ll never get attention unless he wails. Other parents might be jealous of this, if Tetsuya’s parents actually remembered this enviable fact long enough to tell someone. 

Also, they’re busy parents; they’ve both got full time jobs overseas to pay for their luxurious house, and all the amenities that go along with it. The father stays home a day or two before returning; the mother a little over two weeks. She goes to the airport, and only remembers that she’s forgotten to leave Tetsuya with a babysitter until an hour before her flight. She calls the neighbor in a horrified panic, only to get a response half an hour later that there is no baby in the house.

It takes the police another hour to realize that Tetsuya has been sitting in his crib the whole time, staring at them with a mildly bemused look on his parchment-pale face. This is, of course, after the authorities have been called, and after the entire airport has been thrown into such a state that almost every flight is delayed at least a half hour. 

Over the years, the Kurokos’ have to fire three babysitters, and another five quit because they ‘feel as though someone is staring at them’ (these same babysitters were under the impression that they were merely house sitting). This is, of course, when the Kurokos’ actually remember that they have a son and need to call a babysitter at all. 

Tetsuya is five when his parents finally give up. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------

Tetsuya starts school when he is four; he goes to a kindergarten a few blocks away, and he always walks because the bus driver never sees him. His parents are gone most of the time, and even if they’re home they tend to leave the house early, so he gets in the habit of packing his own lunches the night before. Almost every day the teacher overlooks him during attendance, and the other little boys and girls are too confused to laugh at him, because they never notice him either. 

He never really noticed just how lonely he is until now, when he sees all his classmates playing happily with each other on the playground. They’re always smiling (Tetsuya twitches the edges of his lips experimentally in front of a mirror one day, but the expression looks and feels oddly false so he quickly abandons it), and no one ever forgets about anyone else. The kids’ parents always make bentos for them, and pick them up from school and ask them how their day went. 

Watching them makes him feel....oddly hollow, like someone scooped out all of his insides and left an empty shell behind. His own parents seem like odd apparitions compared to these people, foreign and distant comforts that hardly exist in the first place. 

Tetsuya gets home from school and quietly puts his things away, before completing his homework. He cleans the house with this same quiet efficiency, then makes himself dinner, then bathes, then goes to bed. The same routine happens day after day, a long endless monotony that never ends and never changes. 

One day, Tetsuya sets down his pencil, staring at his homework with blank, expressionless, lonely eyes, and realizes how truly miserable he is. 

He wants friends, who look at him with the same bright joy that he sees everyday in his classmates, who never forget him and never fail to see him. He wants parents, who make him bento and dry his tears when he cries and walk him home from school every day to make sure he’s safe. God, he would even take acquaintances at this point, as long as someone remembered him, as long as someone even _smiled_ at him-- 

Crystalline tears slowly slip down his cheeks, and for the first time, Tetsuya cries for himself.

And, not for the first time, he is completely and utterly alone. 

\---------------------------------------

For years it continues like this, until Tetsuya finds a basketball game on TV while he’s channel surfing. 

He is instantly enamoured. 

\---------------------------------------

Tetsuya goes out and joins a basketball game a few of the other neighborhood kids are playing at a nearby park. They don’t notice when he enters the game--of course they don’t--but they do notice when the ball starts randomly appearing in their hands when they were definitely passing to someone else.They become so distressed that they all run, squeaking madly about some sort of ghost. 

One kid remains, though; his short brown hair is cropped up over his ears, and his brown eyes are soft and inquisitive, if scared. He squints at Tetsuya for a second, as though trying to look into the sun--and then suddenly jumps a foot in the air, eyes blowing wide with shock. 

“Y-You!” He shouts, pointing a shaking finger at the boy in front of him. “When did you get here?!”

Tetsuya stares, for a second unable to catch up with the words being said to him--because no one has looked at him so intensely before. No one has given him more than a passing thought, not even his parents, (who have yet to remember his birthday). So yes, he feels wrong-footed and a little light-headed, and there’s something that feels oddly like hope in his chest. “I...I was always here.”

The little boy looks bewildered, scratching his fluffy brown hair as he watches Tetsuya (watches Tetsuya, not overlooks, not glances, just watches). “Uh...sorry, I guess we didn’t see you. Was that you doing that passing thingy?”

The tips of his lips twitch up ever so slightly, but unlike that time in the mirror so long ago it feels more genuine. Real. The warmth in his chest is an unexpected addition as well. It’s not enough to be amusement--not just yet, there’s too much ice in his chest for humor--but it very nearly feels like happiness. “Yes,” He responds. “I was doing the passing thingy.”

“Oh.” The little boy tilts his head inquisitively, before a beam spreads across his face. .Tetsuya nearly gasps at how bright it is. “I’m Ogiwara Shigehiro! It’s nice to meet you!”

“K-Kuroko Tetsuya.” He barely manages to respond, but his mind is only half on the introduction. 

Because, much like when Tetsuya first saw basketball, he is enamoured. 

\-------------------------------------------

Shigehiro moves away after two blissful years of friendship. 

It is the second time Tetsuya cries for himself. It is the first time he cries for a friend.

\--------------------------------------------

While Shigehiro is still in his school at the beginning of sixth grade, Tetsuya joins the basketball team. He is small, slight, and delicate, and even when his teammates in the third string do notice him it’s to laugh at him. Because, predictably, he sucks. 

It’s not a matter of dedication; certainly not. Tetsuya is the one who, without fail, stays after school every single day to practice more; to improve his stamina, to improve his shooting, to improve anything. Most people call him a basketball ghost because they can’t see him; some even say the building is haunted. Even so, he comes everyday to improve, because he _loves_ basketball. He loves the rough texture beneath his fingers, the swish of the net, the slick of sweat from hard work. It's only shame that he's so poor at it. 

Then, one day, something changes. 

Tetsuya is running, the brush of fingertips on basketball, and goes to make a layup. Predictably he misses, but he was closer that time, so close--

"Hey." 

He turns, already knowing that it's not directed toward him--but no, the dark haired boy is staring right at him, tanned arms crossed over his chest. Tetsuya is so shocked he can't even find the words to respond. 

There's a moment of dead air, before the boy speaks again. "You don't look much like a ghost."

Tetsuya shakes himself, and lifts the basketball from the ground. "No." He says agreeably, turning back to the hoop--no doubt this boy will taunt him and laugh at him for playing so badly, like the other little boys. Because he recognizes that blue hair and tanned skin now: Aomine Daiki, the star of the first string. 

"You're pretty determined, aren't you."

The question makes him stop consideringly--and he hates how wrong footed and awkward he feels. Aomine isn't like Shigehiro, with his brilliant smiles and his honest eyes. Tetsuya has no idea how to handle anything else.

But that question-- _you're pretty determined, aren't you_ \--

He feels the thick calluses developing on his fingers, and the burn of exhaustion in his muscles, all the way down to his bones. He feels the sheen of sweat on his face, and the quiet ache of failure that is constantly with him. And most of all, he feels the deep endless pit in his stomach that he thinks will never be full, that is lined with ice and frigid emotion.

"Yes." He says quietly. 

Aomine watches him, piercing eyes thoughtful in the shadows. Tetsuya turns from him, uncomfortable with so much attention, and quietly amused at the irony that now that he has attention, he doesn’t know what to do with it. He halfheartedly shoots another basket and misses, badly wanting Aomine to go away. 

"Stop that." There's the sound of footsteps, and then Aomine takes the ball from his mostly unresisting fingers. "You'll never get better like that, it's painful just watching you! Here, watch me."

Aomine sinks the ball neatly into the hoop once, twice, three times. It's only then that Tetsuya notices what, exactly, he was doing wrong; he retrieves the ball, and his next shot is much, much closer. 

Tetsuya grins, satisfied. Finally. He glances over, and belatedly catches sight of a similar look on Aomine's face, only its much wider and smirkier. 

The ice in Tetsuya's chest melts a little more. 

\-----------------------------

Every day Aomine meets Tetsuya in the gym after school, and they shoot hoops and practice with each other. Its fun, almost as much fun as hanging out with Shigehiro.

Then Tetsuya meets the rest of the first string; Akaashi, with his vibrant red hair and glowing eyes; Murasakibara, with his purple hair and incurable sweet tooth, and Midorima, with his wrapped fingers and his odd items. Tetsuya finds that, somehow, he fits right in with them, a missing puzzle piece that slots neatly into place. 

Then Shigehiro moves away, and Tetsuya cries--but now he's got basketball to distract him, and Kise comes to their school in a brilliant whirlwind of gold and charm. Missing Shigehiro isn't as hard when he's constantly busy. 

There's still ice in his chest, but the cold emptiness isn't so bad anymore, and for a time Tetsuya thinks he knows what happiness feels like.

(He wonders why victory tastes like ashes in his mouth, especially when he sees the horrified, hateful set in his opponents' mouth.)

But time passes, and so does the joy. And eventually, all Tetsuya has left are the broken pieces of his friendships held in shaky, pale hands.

(Shigehiro won't even talk to him anymore, won't even look at him, and it's only then that Tetsuya realizes why victory never was a sweet to him as it was to the others.)

(Somehow, realizing that no one else feels the same makes the ice in his chest come back with startling vengeance.)

(But he can't say that he's really surprised.)

\--------------------------------

Tetsuya hates basketball. 

The thought chafes him, makes him sit in his room for hour just staring into nothing, trying to wrap his head around the idea. 

_Them, the Generation of Miracles--they have taken this from me, my pride, my joy, my happiness, without thought or care, and so easily so easily--_

_Do they understand what basketball means to me? Did they know that it’s the only thing that makes me feel alive? Do they know that it makes me forget about the horrible emptiness inside of me for a few minutes?_

_I was....happy. I think. I don't know anymore._

Tetsuya loosens his fists, staring down at bloody crescents in his hands and wondering when it all went so wrong. Because that loneliness that he had, that emptiness--the Generation of Miracles had made it better, a little. But somehow, at the end, even when they were all playing together, they were all still playing alone. 

Tetsuya shakes his head, and throws on a coat. Without basketball his evenings have been more open than they have in years. (He doesn't like it. It just gives him more time to think, and he hates thinking.) 

Maybe a walk will clear his head.

\--------------

Tetsuya rescues a woman who is being harassed by a man behind his house. The smack of his fist on flesh resounds in the alleyway, and the two of them--attacker and attackee--look around wildly for the culprit. But no one sees him, as per usual, and it only takes another kick to the shin before the man runs off, screaming about vengeful spirits. 

Tetsuya barely notices the woman hunching her shoulders and escaping with a terrified look on her face. He's still staring at his hand, which is aching steadily and bruising across his knuckles. He feels...

Good.

Alive.

\-----------------

Months later, Tetsuya ends up in Seirin, determination in his heart and his mind. He's long forgiven the Generation of Miracles, but they still think the same way, like victory is the only thing that counts. He wonders if they realize how lonely they are. 

He knows he certainly is. He wouldn't wish this on anyone. 

He wants to help them, to make them see that victory isn't everything, and that friends and happiness is so much more important. There's only one way he can see doing that, though--and that's beating every one of the Generation of Miracles in a fair basketball game. It seems impossible--Tetsuya knows better than anyone how high their pedestals are--but it needs to happen. 

To save them, he must break them.

His new team is...satisfactory. Hyuuga is much nicer than Akaashi was, and his new coach is...a girl, which is odd, but she's charming and tough all at once so its okay. His new light-- _Aomine always looks so bored, and he can't be bothered to show up to practice anymore, because he will destroy everyone_ \--is a tall American transfer named Kagami Taiga. Tetsuya watches him, and knows without a doubt that the Generation of Miracles will destroy him--he's too much fire and not enough calm, too headstrong for his own good. Akaashi would chew him up and spit him out. 

But as long as Tetsuya is there, Kagami will succeed. They work surprisingly well together. As long as no one finds out about his less than moral activities after dark, everything should be fine.

\---------------------

Kagami goes to the burger shop every day after practice, like clockwork. He gets a massive plate of burgers, all the same kind (not that he ever tastes them), and starts wolfing them down immediately after he sits. 

Usually it's accidentally right in front of Tetsuya, who's nursing a vanilla milkshake. He'll watch Kagami for a few seconds, his amusement mild, before revealing himself. The taller boy always jumps a foot, and acts gruff and angry upon settling, but Tetsuya can see Kagami's half smile in the waning light. 

It's a routine, now, but it's never boring even though they rarely deviate from their schedule. They talk about a lot of things--mostly basketball, but occasionally they’ll get into more personal topics. Kagami may seem like a complete basketball freak, and for the most part he is, but he’s surprisingly thoughtful. 

It's nice. 

\-------------------------------------

There's a fight club a few blocks away, in the dingy basement of a crappy pub. Fights occur between 12 at night and 3 in the morning. The patrons bet exorbitant amounts of money on their favorite fighters, and bookies stalk the room like starving predators, ready to pounce on every naive sucker who walks into the room. 

The last few months, a new challenger has been kicking up a fuss. He wins every fight he gets into, though no one knows how, because they can hardly see him. Even his opponents have no idea what hit them by the end of the match. 

They call him The Phantom. 

That's not his only haunt, though; criminals have found the neighborhood east of the fight club to be a dangerous hunting ground, because some vigilante is knocking them all down. No one has seen the man yet, this phantom, but they can always feel his eyes on them, his presence a weight in their minds.

The neighborhood gets a reputation. 

The Phantom can't bring himself to care. It's a small price to pay.

\---------------------------

Hyuuga looks more and more nervous the closer he gets to Tetsuya's house.

It just figures that the captain has heard of the rumors surrounding his neighborhood; not that it's a problem, because Hyuuga has no idea who the Phantom is, but still. It's a bit irritating that people are so wary of the Phantom, especially since his worst crime is beating up a bunch of petty criminals.

"Kuroko..." Hyuuga says slowly when they reach his house. The others are too flabbergasted by the size to pay attention to their conversation. "Do you live here alone?"

Tetsuya hesitates a moment, breathing through the ice in his chest, before shrugging minutely. "Yes."

Hyuuga looks even more worried now, eyebrows furrowed across his forehead. "Have you...heard anything over the past few weeks?"

His senpai is….refreshingly unsubtle. 

He debates what he should say--whether he should claim to know about the Phantom, or feign ignorance. Finally he shrugs again, and replies calmly, "Not much." He sends Hyuuga a chiding look when he notices the faintly scandalized look on his face. "I'm not a child, Hyuuga-senpai. I know to lock all my doors and not go out at night."

Hyuuga seems mollified, but still vaguely nervous. "Just....just be careful, okay Kuroko?"

Tetsuya is almost startled by the burst of warmth in his chest, and for a second the ice recedes a little. Hyuuga is....concerned about him. That's....

Nice. 

Because Hyuuga genuinely seems to care, and no one’s really cared about him for a long, long time. Not since Shigehiro, and just the thought of his old friend brings a sort of warm, wary fondness up in him. Just then it hits him, how much he misses the boy--how much he misses everyone, as they were before it all went downhill. 

Tetsuya pastes a small, genuine smile on his face, aware of how bitter it looks even though he can't see it. Hyuuga's stricken expression is telling enough. "I will, senpai."

\-------------------------------------------

Tetsuya wraps his knuckles and throws a black beanie over his blue-white hair (because in the admittedly unlikely event he is recognized, the person won't think to connect it back to him). He puts on his running shoes, and steps outside. 

The night welcomes him like an old friend. The Phantom breathes in the cool air, reveling in the silence, and then vanishes into the darkness.


	2. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kiyoshi is on his way to becoming the Best Bro. Also kiyohyuu is a thing.

Tetsuya meets Kiyoshi at the fight club; he's part of the crowd, not a competitor. Tetsuya only gets a short glimpse, but he doesn't easily forget a face, and he recognizes this one from a basketball match while he was still at Teiko. Its an odd, almost surreal experience, so much so that Tetsuya only barely manages to dodge the punch that threatened to break his jaw. 

He curses quietly, and moves to finish the fight; after all, even though people don't really see him, he can't afford to be distracted in a match. Wild punches sometimes connect, if he’s not paying attention. Still, though, Tetsuya's mind is whirring wildly--what if Kiyoshi recognizes him? His abilities aren't exactly common, and if Kiyoshi makes the connection between the Phantom and Tetsuya....

Well, he's not sure what Kiyoshi would do about it. Maybe try and stop him _(he can't lose this--he doesn't care if he's bruised and hurt and maybe a little bit addicted, but he doesn't know how else to feel so alive--because he tries to love basketball but he can't help but remember all the pain along with it)_. Maybe bring Hyuuga and Aida and (God forbid) Kagami into it, and Tetsuya knows that he can't say no to them. He’d stop, if they asked. But he'll feel like a caged bird, dead inside with no way to live again.

He needs to leave. 

Now.

Tetsuya makes it a few feet away from the club before he feels a hand on his shoulder. 

He whips around and throws a desperate punch, but it's got no power--but he just needs a distraction, something to let him slip away into the shadows, away from sight. 

"Hey--" Kiyoshi catches the fist almost gently, and slips forward to grab Tetsuya's wrist. "Hey! Calm down, kid, it's okay!"

Tetsuya freezes, and allows his arm to go limp, hoping that Kiyoshi will fall for his bluff--but no, the older teen just shakes his head and grabs his other wrist, holding him him firmly in place. "Kuroko-san--it's Kuroko, right? It's okay! I'm not going to hurt you."

Tetsuya bares his teeth, but doesn't bother to try and pull away. Kiyoshi is too strong for that. "Then let me go."

"No." Kiyoshi shakes his head. "You're that phantom sixth man from Teiko, right? What the hell are you doing in there? Are you in some kind of trouble?" 

"Its none of your business." Tetsuya subtly begins turning his wrists, searching for weaknesses in his grip. 

For a moment Kiyoshi looks pained, but the expression vanishes quickly. "Come on, Kuroko-san, you're just a kid. Let me help you."

Tetsuya grits his teeth and keeps wiggling--Kiyoshi wouldn't understand. He's got friends and family and he's good at basketball--he wouldn't understand. 

He's happy. 

Tetsuya has never been. 

He wouldn't understand. 

Kiyoshi must see something in his face, because his hands abruptly loosen and there's a stricken look in his eyes. Tetsuya takes the opportunity to yank his wrists away and take off, his feet pounding a staccato rhythm on the hard pavement. 

He doesn't go back to the fight club. There's another one across town, and really, its not so far to run. 

\------------------------------------------

Kiyoshi starts coming to practices. Kagami and the others adore him (especially Hyuuga--Tetsuya had no idea that the two of them were dating, but he guesses it makes sense), but Tetsuya always makes sure that his misdirection is on 20 fold whenever he's around the 2nd year. He knows it won't be long before the smoke screen dissipates, but he's putting that confrontation off as long as he possibly can. 

It fails completely a week later when Aida suddenly starts and asks, "Oh, Kiyoshi, have you and Kuroko met yet?"

Kiyoshi jerks a little, eyes widening in shock. "K-Kuroko?"

"Yeah, Kagami's little shadow!" She looks over at Kagami, where Tetsuya is actually making good use of his friend's enormous presence to hide his own. "Its weird, he's not one to be shy...though maybe that's because we kept missing him--that happens." She laughs awkwardly, but Kiyoshi isn't paying attention anymore. He's squinting at Kagami, trying to catch sight of Tetsuya (who is slowly edging away from Kagami as subtly as he can), but his eyes pass right over where he is. 

Tetsuya just thinks he's in the clear, and turns to escape to the lockers, when a giant hand wraps around the scruff of his neck and drags him back. "What are you doing, idiot? Go talk to Kiyoshi!"

For a second Tetsuya gets the violent urge to turn around and break Kagami's nose. He's not even all that angry, more apathetically annoyed, but even so Tetsuya has to reign in the disturbing thought. He's suddenly breathless and a little bit scared, because this isn't the street, he can't hurt anyone, and the idea disgusts him but what if he's changing, what if one day he'll just snap and beat someone to death--

"--roko? Kuroko?" Aida is snapping in front of his face, half concerned and half amused. Tetsuya is just thankful he has such an impassive face, and that his inner turmoil didn't show at all. "Hey, is that you in there?"

"Yes, coach." He brushes her hand away from his face, ignoring the little thrill of panic he gets from having someone's hand too close to his head, because that's usually meant to be threatening at night. Then he turns to Kiyoshi and bows shortly. "It's nice to meet you, Kiyoshi-senpai."

Hopefully Kiyoshi will take a hint. 

Either good fortune is smiling down on him or Kiyoshi is different from how he first thought, because the older teen gives Aida a careful look, before saying in a stilted, oddly polite tone, "And you, Kuroko." The others give him an odd look at the out of character reaction, but all Tetsuya feels is relief.

(Kiyoshi looks knowing, though, as though he'd peered into Tetsuya's thoughts those scant few seconds when violence had nearly taken him.)

(Tetsuya wants to scream at him. Kiyoshi wouldn't understand. He knows what happiness feels like.)

\----------------------------------------------------------

Tetsuya comes to the burger joint one day with a bruise on his face. It doesn't take very long for Kagami to notice it. 

"What happened to your face?" Kagami asks, gesturing awkwardly with his hand towards his own cheekbones. Another couple burgers go down the hatch after that, perhaps to hide his red face after blundering through that deplorable performance of normal interaction.

Tetsuya carefully reaches up and feathers his fingers along his cheekbone. His opponent got lucky; it was a wild swing that somehow got within his guard. Tetsuya is just lucky he has good reflexes--had he dodged a second later, he definitely would've gotten a black eye. "It's nothing."

"Nothing gave a bruise like that?" Kagami asks incredulously, but sighs harshly in defeat when Tetsuya gives him a blank, unrelenting stare. "Fine, fine. But if you ever need someone taken care of..." Kagami grins and pounds his fist against his palm. 

Tetsuya hides his smile behind his milkshake. 

\--------------------

Tetsuya dodges a punch aimed for his head, breathing with each movement he makes. He twists a little, a savage, minute little move that's made him so famous, and jams up into his opponent's kidney. 

The crowd goes wild, of course-- _look at me, pay attention to me, I feel so alive, even if you don't know I'm there, pay attention to me_ \--and Tetsuya doesn't give his opponent time to respond. He does a quick jab toward the solar plexus, then twists like a snake so his elbow is up above the man's beefy neck. With another sharp twist, Tetsuya slams his elbow down and knocks his opponent to the floor, where he lays, limp and unconscious. 

Tetsuya grins as he jumps from the stage, and for a moment all he feels is fire in his veins instead of frigid ice. 

And he knows that there's no possible way he could give this up, because he feels so alive. 

(After a few seconds the feeling fades, because no one is looking at him, no one at all. But that's okay--there's always next time.)

\------------------------------------

 

It doesn’t end there, of course; Tetsuya would be so lucky. Instead, Kiyoshi shows up almost a week later at the new fight club he’s chosen to hang at, looking around with those same assessing, quiet eyes. Tetsuya wonders how many people have seen this side of the usually happy, boisterous older teen, or if he’s just special.

He’d rather not be special, if this is the result. 

But still, Tetsuya knows that he’s put off the conversation long enough; any longer and Kiyoshi might go to Hyuuga or Aida or (God forbid) Kagami. So with a heavy sigh he steps into the crowd and follows it upstream to where Kiyoshi is, who’s looking around with squinty eyes, like he knows Tetsuya is there but can’t quite make out where. 

It’s no wonder why Kiyoshi nearly jumps a foot when Tetsuya appears by his shoulder, impassive mask in place. “It’s too loud in here.” He says quietly. “We can talk outside.”

“What?” Kiyoshi shouts back, and even that is barely audible over the sound of the screaming fans and the grunts of the competitors. After a second, though, he seems to understand what Tetsuya was getting at, because he nods sharply and gestures with his head to the door outside. It’s not ideal, certainly--a place that’s even sparsely populated would allow Tetsuya to escape with relative ease, if he chose to--but the thought of a little privacy is attractive enough that he follows without complaint. 

They go outside, and Tetsuya opens his mouth to speak--but Kiyoshi hasn’t stopped yet, he just keeps walking, not even looking behind him. The arrogance irks him, and he almost turns around and walks right back inside, but common sense keeps his feet moving. 

The two of them walk a block or two, going farther and farther away from the club and closer to the outskirts, until they reach a little park. It’s way past curfew, so the park is completely empty, but Kiyoshi keeps going until he all but collapses into a swing, massaging his knee with a grimace on his face. 

Tetsuya stands next to him, uncertain--what should he do? Sit? Stand? He wishes he had a precedent for an event like this, but unfortunately--

“God, Kuroko, sit down.” Kiyoshi shakes his bangs from his face and gives Tetsuya a dry look. “Just looking at you makes me feel awkward.”

Well. Tetsuya settles warily into the swing next to Kiyoshi, feeling ridiculous and a little bit relieved. A second later he realizes that the older teen is staring at him with fond, amused eyes, and if he were the blushing type Tetsuya knows that his face would be red. 

“What is it?” He all but snaps. 

Kiyoshi shakes himself, laughing a little. “No, no, it’s just--well--when I first saw you in that fight club, I thought you were just some ungrateful kid who was looking to get big.” The honest grin he sends Tetsuya’s way is both refreshing and startling--his whole character is that way, to be honest. Tetsuya is really tired of people with hidden agendas. “I guess I was wrong on that account.”

He feels like he’s talking to Shigehiro again. 

The thought sends a spear of ice through his chest, and he has to look away momentarily before responding. “I guess so.” He says neutrally. 

There’s a long silence, and the wind rustles through the trees, stirring up the leaves in a rush of soft sound, bringing with it the smell of rain and grass. The sky is almost completely dark, and Tetsuya knows that he’s probably barely visible, even more invisible than he usually is. 

It’s a little chilly, though. 

Kiyoshi sighs again, and Tetsuya feels his eyes more than ever now that they’re completely alone. He feels oddly vulnerable. 

“So why is it, Kuroko, that I first saw you in a fight club?”

Tetsuya is silent. 

The older boy shifts in the swing, stretching out his knee with a low grunt. “And why is it, Kuroko, that I found you there again tonight?”

The stars are cold above their heads, and the wind comes more strongly than ever, bringing a sudden breath of winter into the air. They both shiver. 

“And I’d be willing to put money on the fact that you’re the Phantom vigilante who’s been keeping the streets clean.” Kiyoshi sighs again, soft and low, and continues quietly, as though he knows Tetsuya isn’t going to respond. “Kuroko-san, believe it or not, I’m trying to help you. You mean a lot to to Riko and Junpei, and you seem like a good kid. I don’t want you to get hurt.” 

Tetsuya rubs his arms, considering--he knows he’ll have to tell Kiyoshi something, if he wants to keep his nightly excursions quiet. And the words that the older teen just spoke ring true--he owes it to Hyuuga and Aida, just a little. They worry about him, he knows it, even if they can’t see him all the time. 

And, oddly enough, Tetsuya really, really wants to say something. 

He’s not had this kind of attention in such a long time, maybe not since Shigehiro--the kind that comes from genuine worry for one’s well being, all focused on him. The ice cracks a little in his chest, just enough to make him want to talk, to tell this kind stranger who reminds him so much of Shigehiro everything. And...maybe, maybe it hurts to keep it all in. 

Maybe he just wants someone to listen. 

“Kiyoshi-senpai…” He begins, staring straight ahead, ignoring when Kiyoshi’s head whips up to stare at him. “Do you know what loneliness feels like?”

Tetsuya doesn’t need to look over to know that Kiyoshi is absolutely gobsmacked, frozen in his seat. He doesn’t give the older teen a chance to respond, though, knowing that if he stops now the words will freeze up inside of him again. “Do you know what it’s like for no one to ever really see you? Do you know what it’s like for everyone to forget about you, day after day, even your parents?” 

His breath rattles in his throat, like brittle, frosted leaves on a cold winters day. He finally turns to look at Kiyoshi, and he knows his eyes are ice shards in his face, but he can’t help it. How can he help an eternal winter when he’s never felt the spring? “Do you know what loneliness feels like?”

Kiyoshi stares at him for a second, seemingly caught in his gaze, before gasping quietly and looking away. “No.” He whispers. 

Tetsuya turns away again, staring down with apathetic fascination at his cold, pale hands. “I was alone,” He breathes, “Day after day. There was no one. I felt like I was constantly dreaming.” He pushes his hands into his face, and the next thing he admits catches on the frost in his throat. “Sometimes I used to wonder whether or not I was dead.” He laughs, a broken, wrecked sound that claws its way up from the depths of his cracked soul. "I mean, who could tell the difference? I don't think I would."

And it's like something in the air has shattered, because Tetsuya can't help but put his head down in his knees and sob, like he never has before, and he doesn't understand why his chest hurts so much, because there's only ever been ice--

And Kiyoshi is kneeling in front of him, pulling Tetsuya into his arms, stroking his pale hair and shaking like he's crying himself, almost rocking Tetsuya like a child--

And Tetsuya, from so, so long ago, just wants a parent, someone who will hold him and love him unconditionally, which he's never gotten and he knows he'll never get--

Because who, after all, could love a hollow, dead little thing like him?

\-----------

_Kiyoshi is so very, very warm._

\------------------

Tetsuya comes to school the next day, embarrassed beyond words that he broke down so badly in front of his senpai. The memory is a bit hazy in his mind though, and he's not sure if what happened was real--but he thinks that Kiyoshi carried him home and tucked him into bed like a child. 

(It wasn't nice at all, not a chance, and Tetsuya will fight anyone who says otherwise.)

But he gets to practice and Kagami, as usual, is quick to drag him off for some practice. Hyuuga and Kiyoshi are talking about something that looks lighthearted on the sidelines, if their looped fingers are anything to go by, and Aida is at the bench with Izuki, presumedly coming up with strategies. It's oddly....normal, as though last night didn't happen, as though he didn't just hand his deepest insecurities to Kiyoshi on a trembling platter. 

Maybe it was just a dream. 

(He wishes it were a dream, he tells himself, even though the thought of it not being one numbs him somehow.)

"Hey, Kuroko." He's startled out of his musings by Kagami's voice, which sounds a bit impatient. "What's wrong with you? We're playing basketball now! Whatever problems you're having, save them for later!"

Tetsuya starts, staring at Kagami, before allowing his expression to smooth over--but there's a small warmth of fondness in his chest. 

Ah. Of course--right now it's time to play basketball, and if he's distracted Kagami will surely be angry.


	3. III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tetsuya is trying really hard. Sometimes he just needs a little help from his friends.

It's almost two days before anything comes of his and Kiyoshi's confrontation--in fact, Tetsuya is just beginning to think that it was a dream or hallucination when Kiyoshi abruptly invites him out with Hyuuga and Aida. 

"I wouldn't want Riko to feel lonely, after all." He says, winking jauntily at Tetsuya's unimpressed, knowing expression. He can, after all, see the surprise buried in Tetsuya's ice blue eyes. "In fact, why don't you invite Kagami along, too?" 

Tetsuya says yes after a moment of hesitation, because he's not really certain what he's supposed to do when hanging out, and Kagami is someone he's comfortable with. He's never done really 'hung out' before, after all--even with Shigehiro, they mostly just played basketball and talked at school. Kagami seems to know what he's doing, though, so when the time comes Tetsuya awkwardly trails behind his taller friend, who is simultaneously harassing Aida and interrogating Hyuuga and Kiyoshi about when they became a thing. 

("Bakagami, they were always a thing!")

Tetsuya doesn't say much, but every few minutes Kiyoshi looks over his shoulder at him and smiles, and Aida talks _at_ him if not to him about increasing his stamina and such, and Kagami occasionally drags him into a store so they can go look at whatever is in the front window...and it's not so bad. He hasn't really talked much in his 15 years, so remaining silent bothers him much less than it would anyone else. If nothing else, Tetsuya feels.... Content? 

Kiyoshi laughs a little, swinging his and Hyuuga's hands between them. Aida is gesturing widely next to him, jabbering about muscles and exercises. Kagami slings an arm over his shoulder, drawing Tetsuya's attention to the nearby burger shop. 

Yes, Tetsuya thinks, a smile just touching the corners of his mouth. Content.

The day continues on in that vein; they stop by a burger joint for lunch, then find an arcade where they blow huge amounts of money (well, mostly Tetsuya's money. He politely offers some of the money he always carries around but never uses except for groceries, and they quickly get over their hesitation when he tells them that this is just pocket change.) Hyuuga wins Kiyoshi a stuffed animal in the claw machine, because Kiyoshi is a sucker for small, cute things but he really sucks at arcade games. Kagami also, unfortunately, sucks at arcade games, but Tetsuya and Aida more than make up for it and buy Kagami a small, multi colored basketball with the tickets they have leftover. 

After that they inevitably end up at a basketball court; Kagami insists that they skirmish, and Aida even joins in. Tetsuya is getting an oddly familiar feeling from this court, though--even after a few minutes, he can't shake the feeling. 

During a break he looks around--really _looks_ \--and realizes. 

Tetsuya glances sharply over at Kiyoshi--but no, if the older teen knew anything about this, he'd probably look a lot more nervous, not laughing on the sidelines with Hyuuga and Aida. It seems that, by complete accident, they ended up a few blocks from his house. 

The court where Tetsuya met Shigehiro. 

He sighs and drinks some from his water bottle--he can't be sullen, not when everyone else is so happy. Also, he doesn't want to be; for once he just wants to play basketball with his friends without his past hanging over his head. 

It's strangely liberating.

"Hey, who's that?" Kagami is staring at someone on the sidewalk, his brows furrowed. 

Aida twists slightly to get a better view, frowns, then lets out a soft noise of comprehension. "I was at the Winter Finals between Teikou and Meikou last year--he looks like one of the Meikou kids." She pauses. "I mean, he was talented, but the Generation of Miracles destroyed him."

Tetsuya jerks, staring down the sidewalk, because surely it's not--he moved away three years ago, there's no way--

Shigehiro is walking toward them, a sunny smile on his face (Tetsuya can't help but notice how carefree it is compared to last year). He's grown a lot since Winter, and he's wearing an oversized sweater that almost covers his fingertips. 

Tetsuya _fades_. 

He misdirects like he never has before, edging so deeply into Kiyoshi's and Kagami's presence that he hardly can feel himself anymore. It's all driven by his deep need to not be seen--he half wants to vanish into thin air, as long as he doesn't have to face his old friend. Because being ignored is bad enough, but the thought of facing Shigehiro's horrified, scared eyes makes his whole being hitch. 

"Hey there." Aida greets, slinging a basketball onto her hip. "Ogiwara, right?"

Shigehiro falters, his expression flickering with utter confusion--because his friend has always worn his damn heart on his sleeve--and nods. "I don't believe we've met?"

"Aida Riko." She shifts, then smiles curiously. “I saw Meikou play once. You were pretty good."

Just like that, Shigehiro's face snaps shut, and he responds stiffly, "I don't play basketball anymore."

Tetsuya swears he can see his breath condensing in the air, and he can't help but shiver--when did it get so cold?

"What?" It's Kiyoshi who interrupts this time. "You were good. Really good."

Shigehiro hesitates, looking like he's wavering about something Tetsuya doesn't know about. Finally he sighs and shakes his head. "I don't think so."

"Well," Aida says, and Tetsuya knows what she's going to say before she says it--he can feel it like a stab in his chest-- "Why don't you play a game with us and find out?"

Shigehiro jerks back, eyes wide, and for a second it seems as though he's going to say no, flat out refuse. Tetsuya hates what the Generation of Miracles did to him, changed this boy who loved basketball into one who couldn't stand it. He wants to help Shigehiro, wants to fix it, but he doesn't know how (because he knows how to fix the Generation of Miracles, but Shigehiro is more complicated, has always been more complicated, because it was never about victory for him). 

But then, to Tetsuya's surprise, Shigehiro's expression hardens, and he nods. "Sure, why not? It's been a while."

The teams split. Hyuuga, ever the fair captain, puts him and Kiyoshi in charge of the two teams (despite his boyfriend’s pouting). Kagami goes with Hyuuga, and so does Aida; Kiyoshi picks Shigehiro, and Tetsuya discreetly slides over to their team. His misdirection is still full force, so even his own teammates aren't seeing him, but he thinks that Kiyoshi subconsciously knows who he has on his team. 

And then they play. 

Its fun--really fun, especially now that Tetsuya is playing with Shigehiro again. His old friend is just as lively as he remembers, and as the game goes on, his confidence slowly returns to him, until he's almost as much of a force as Kagami is. 

They're pretty evenly matched--Kiyoshi is better than Kagami, but Hyuuga's intuition as a captain is an irreplaceable boon. Shigehiro can match Hyuuga reasonably well shot for shot, but Aida hasn't played much at all, so she fumbles more than anyone else. Tetsuya is at a disadvantage, because he has to make his passes more subtle than ever if he wants to escape Shigehiro's notice, but more than once his teammates find themselves mysteriously receiving the ball. 

They play for an hour so, too deadlocked to make much process, but neither team cares because it's just so fun. There are no rules besides get the ball in the hoop, so Kagami ends up elbowing Kiyoshi a couple times, and Aida wrestles the ball away from Shigehiro with the promise of vengeance in her eyes. And Tetsuya....

He watches more than plays in the beginning, because he feels like he shouldn't interrupt--they're all so happy, and his apathetic attitude toward basketball makes him feel like an outsider. But as time passes, he starts...enjoying himself, like he hasn't for years. He's a quicksilver dart on the court, slapping the ball away and laughing as it nearly hits Kiyoshi in the face, then slipping into the shadows just as quickly. As retribution for elbowing Kiyoshi, Tetsuya tackles Kagami and watches as the ball falls from his flailing arms, allowing Shigehiro to catch the ball with a resounding laugh--

And suddenly Tetsuya realizes, that he feels alive, he feels something warm blossoming in his chest that curls his lips up, and he can't help but _laugh_ at Kagami's scandalized expression--

Shigehiro drops the ball. 

The two wrestling teens stop and look up. The others on the court stop too, blinking at the frozen teen--he looks like he's just seen a ghost, pale and wide eyed. 

Hyuuga steps forward. "Ogiwara-san?"

But Tetsuya knows. Because Shigehiro is staring right at him, pale and horrified and maybe a little bit scared. 

He slides off of Kagami and backs away, and it's only then the others realize what Shigehiro is staring at. 

"Oh," Aida says, laughing lightly. "Kuroko? Yeah, you might not of seen him, but he's been here the whole time! Don't worry...about..." She trails off, because that's when she notices that Tetsuya is shaking, shaking so hard he feels as though the world is shaking around him too. His breath comes quick and abnormally harsh, but he _can't stop panicking, he's ruined it, he's ruined it_ , Shigehiro was happy and now Tetsuya has ruined it because he was starting to enjoy himself and forgot to misdirect. 

"I--" He whispers, taking a step back, "I'm--I'm sorry." Something cracks in his chest, like shattered glass. "I'm sorry." He bows shortly, knowing that he can't stay any longer, not without making it worse. "Excuse me."

Then he runs. 

"Kuroko!" He hears Kiyoshi shouting behind him, and probably Kagami, but he doesn't care. He just needs to get away ,and preferably never see Shigehiro again. He was--they were happy, Shigehiro was _happy_ , but he forgot what would happen if his old friend noticed him. 

Stupid, he thinks, shaking his head as he vaults over a fence. He lands wrong, stumbles, but forces himself to his feet. How could you have forgotten? 

He stumbles again, slams into the side of a house, pushes off again and keeps running. He doesn't know where he's going, but all he knows is that he has to be anywhere but here. 

His feet take him to the old fight club. 

The Phantom shakes off his emotions, and walks inside. 

\-----------------------------

Kiyoshi finds Tetsuya later that night, after he's finished up his last fight. His knuckles are banged up and bloodied, and there's a bruise on his jaw where a punch caught him when he wasn't paying attention. He fought recklessly tonight, and he knows it; he hasn't been this injured since he first started out. 

"Kuroko." Kiyoshi greets quietly, then sinks down next to him. Tetsuya glances over, and sure enough, the older teen is rubbing his knee with a grimace--he was playing basketball and walking around all day, which is hard on him. With a sigh Tetsuya gets to his feet, and goes to help Kiyoshi with his stretches. 

Kiyoshi lets out a low groan. "Thanks, Kuroko. Now..." He leans forward, trying to catch Tetsuya's eyes. He keeps looking away, though, and maneuvers Kiyoshi's leg around,  
"What was that?"

"What was what?" Tetsuya asks evasively. 

Kiyoshi rolls his eyes and smacks Tetsuya over the head. The shorter teen is so shocked he jumps and accidentally meets the 2nd year's eyes. "For God's sake, Kuroko, you practically ran away! You're a lot of things, but you're not a coward!"

Tetsuya is silent, but he can't look away; Kiyoshi's gaze is too intense to drop. It's strange, having someone who can read him so easily, and who actually seems to care. Not since...

Tetsuya sighs, and finally looks away. He sets a weary hand on Kiyoshi's knee, before pushing off and collapsing to the ground, too tired to move. 

"Kuroko..." Kiyoshi says softly. "Please, tell me what's wrong. I want to help."

He sounds so earnest. 

Tetsuya flashes back to weeks ago, in the park, and remembers the genuine warmth and kindness of the second year. It's this that makes him speak, uncertain because emotions are still an odd topic. "There's nothing you can do to help."

Kiyoshi's face twists. “You don't know that."

"Shigehiro used to be my friend, senpai." Tetsuya twists his fingers in his lap. "But he....moved. To Meikou, when I was in sixth grade." He chuckles. "Shigehiro was really, really good. He wasn't as good as the Generation of Miracles, but...I think he could have been another uncrowned king."

He takes a deep breath, because this is oddly hard for him to talk about, "I got... Injured, before the Winter game. I couldn't play. But I told Akaashi, the Generation of Miracles' captain, not to dishonor Meikou by going easy on them."

Kiyoshi saw the game. He knows what happened. 

He knows that the Generation of Miracles purposefully rigged the score. He knows how they played with Meikou, destroyed the other team both in basketball and in soul. 

Kiyoshi knows what Tetsuya's words did. 

Tetsuya laughs again, just as empty and hollow as the last. "You can't do anything. He hates basketball because of me. Did you see it? Did you see how much he hated what I did to him? My first friend." And he stops there. If he continues, he'll start crying. 

Kiyoshi is staring at him again, though this time it's less searching and more... Unreadable. Tetsuya would give his entire fortune to know what the older teen is thinking. 

Finally Kiyoshi looks away, rubbing his knee. "You did a good job, Kuroko." He says quietly, and it takes Tetsuya a moment to realize he's talking about his knee.

Tetsuya blinks. 

"Kuroko..." Kiyoshi begins slowly. "Are your parents around much?"

The confusion deepens. Tetsuya hasn't seen his parents in a while; they're an old ache he can't really pretend to miss, because they've never really been around. He's been buying his own groceries with the monthly allowance they send him ( it's an automatic system; otherwise they would forget and he would probably starve) since he was 5. Making his own food and doing the laundry--it's all old hat to him. He would be cleaning the house, too, if his parents hadn't hired a neighbor to do it for him. 

"No." He responds. "They work overseas year round." Anywhere but here, he adds silently. 

Kiyoshi nods wearily, as though some great mystery has just been revealed to him. "Who's been taking care of you?"

Tetsuya wonders where this is going--one second they were talking about Shigehiro, the next he's being asked about his home life. 

"I had babysitters before I was 5, but after that I took care of myself." 

Kiyoshi puts his face in his hands, then looks up--and Tetsuya is startled by how lost he looks. 

"Senpai?" He asks tentatively. 

"So you actually had no one." Kiyoshi says. 

Tetsuya flashes back again to that night in the park. "Did you think I was lying?" For some reason, ice crackles in his chest. That hurt.

"No!" Kiyoshi is quick to backtrack. "No. I just... Didn't see how bad you meant. I..." He rakes a hand through his hair. "Kuroko, why haven't you told anyone?"

"Who would have listened?" Tetsuya is quick to counter act. "My own parents forgot about me. Do you honestly think anyone else would have noticed, and remembered?" 

"I would have!" Kiyoshi explodes. "I care about you, Kuroko! You always act like everyone hates you, or that we’re just going to forget about you because we aren't with you! But that's not true." Kiyoshi's expression is fierce. "Junpei, Riko, Kagami, even Ogiwara!" 

Tetsuya's eyes widen. 

"That's right! After you ran, Ogiwara tried to go after you! He’s forgiven you. The only one who hasn't forgiven you is _you_!"

Tetsuya chokes, and quickly covers his mouth to stifle himself--but the sobs keep coming. And just like before, Kiyoshi is there, warm and strong, pulling him into a tight hug. 

This time, though, his tears don't feel quite so cold and hopeless, and maybe--just maybe--he thinks he knows what spring feels like. 

\-------------------------

Tetsuya spends the night at Kiyoshi's house. Hyuuga is already there, scolding and worried all at once, checking Tetsuya over before going to give Kiyoshi an absentminded kiss. Kiyoshi's parents are there too, and their smiles are even warmer than Kiyoshi's--how that's possible Tetsuya isn't sure. 

He gets his first home cooked meal--because even though it's 2 in the morning, every time is cooking time for Kiyoshi's parents. Then he's ushered into the guest room, where he listens to the muffled conversation between Kiyoshi and Hyuuga in the next room until he falls asleep. 

\------------------------

The day after the confrontation with Shigehiro, Tetsuya meets Kagami in the usual spot. He feels wrung out and shaken, emotionally charged, if that makes sense, but Kagami is Kagami. Despite Tetsuya's world spinning aimlessly on his axis, his friend is still gruff and eating his enormous pile of burgers. 

Though....

"So what was that?" Kagami asks casually, his attempt at subtlety a complete failure. The teen was often brutally honest, which was refreshing on occasion; on others, it made things like discretion and tact seem like distant luxuries. 

Tetsuya slurps on his milkshake, not bothering to insult Kagami by pretending not to know what he's talking about. He wonders how Kagami will react to his failure and the Generation of Miracles' cruelty. 

Kagami will hate the Generation of Miracles. It's not a question; Kagami thinks that such underhanded tactics are dishonorable, and anyone who uses them scum. Tetsuya definitely doesn't want Kagami to hate his old teammates, because everyone is getting better. Except for Akashi, but that's a work in process. 

But Kagami is his friend now, and even if he'll hate the Generation of Miracles, Tetsuya thinks that he deserves to know why he fights so hard now. And he deserves to know why Tetsuya ran away like a coward.

So Tetsuya tells him everything--about Shigehiro, about Teikou and Meikou's fateful battle that day. He tells Kagami about the Generation of Miracles' insatiable desire for victory, and about the people they stepped on to get it. 

The story isn't one he's told before, not to anyone--even Kiyoshi had known a few of the details even before Tetsuya started talking. He finds himself adding more than he had before; Midorima's lucky item that day, the words Akashi said to his old friend. The clarity of the day Meikou fell from grace surprises him, even as he talks about it; he wasn't even at the game, after all. It's like the words have been sitting in him, waiting for the right moment all this time.

When Tetsuya finishes, his voice is hoarse and he feels like he's just run a hundred laps. And yet, he feels oddly satisfied, too. 

Kagami, for all his volume, doesn't actually say all that much. He stares at Tetsuya for a moment, gaze unreadable but not negative, before stuffing the burger, forgotten in his hand, into his mouth. 

Tetsuya takes a sip of his vanilla milkshake. 

The sunset is deepening in the windows behind them, the air outside cooling with the sharp chill of winter. Minutes pass, and Tetsuya allows them to, because the story is a lot to inhale. 

"Wow." Kagami says finally, after pushing away his empty tray. "What a bunch of dicks."

The blunt honesty of the statement draws a short laugh from him. "Indeed." Tetsuya smiles slightly. 

And that is that.

\-------------------------

It's not that easy, of course. Tetsuya can't just erase 15 years of neglect from his mind. He may have felt spring, but that doesn't melt years and years of ice, all built on top of each other until everything inside is numb. Kiyoshi is worried that Tetsuya is depressed, but there's no way he's going to a shrink--no doubt they'll turn up something he doesn't want unearthed. 

Still. He thinks some of the ice is melting. 

(He calls Shigehiro a week after Kiyoshi shows up in the fight club. Their conversation is stilted, at first, and Tetsuya must apologize 100 times or more, but finally his old friend tells him to stop and says he doesn't care anymore, he just wants to be friends again. 

Tetsuya is embarrassed to admit that he tears up a little, but there was an odd swooping feeling in his gut that feels a little bit like flying, and it’s so sweet he can't help himself.)

Basketball is less painful, too, especially because his old teammates are starting to come around. Kise visits periodically to bother Tetsuya, but his smiles are much more genuine than before. Midorima doesn't visit--he's much too aloof to do so--but Takao shows up with Tetsuya's lucky item and a roll in his eyes on certain days, so Tetsuya counts it as a win. Murisakibara doesn't contact him at all, but Tetsuya is confident that he got through to the taller teen.

Aomine was....more difficult. Tetsuya was initially pretty let down when Seirin lost to Touou, but he did know that it wouldn't be easy. But they did win in the end, and that's all that matters (Tetsuya is quietly terrified that Kagami will suddenly start missing practice and getting overconfident. He knows in his head that Kagami isn't like that, that he should trust his friend, but his heart is shielded by ice because Aomine made it so.)

Aomine texts him occasionally, but mostly he bothers Kagami. Tetsuya is absurdly pleased that his old friend finally found someone who could challenge him, and he knows that Aomine is happier because of it. (Even if, the first time Kagami and Aomine met, Tetsuya thought the red-head was going to burn a hole into his opponent with the force of his heated gaze. Kagami has not forgotten what the Generation of Miracles did to Meikou and Tetsuya.)

Kiyoshi hates the Generation of Miracles, just a little. He's heard the story, and he isn't impressed with how they treats their opponents. Or friends, for that matter. Tetsuya catches him scowling at his old teammates when he thinks Tetsuya isn't watching. 

Tetsuya wants to complain to Hyuuga, because his old teammates aren't _bad_ , necessarily; they just lost their way a little. But he decides against it, because even though he's forgiven his teammates, there's a spiteful little part of his soul that wishes someone would teach the the Generation of Miracles a lesson. They hurt him, and sometimes he thinks that he'll never recover from that betrayal. 

The final hurdle is Akashi. 

The thought of his old captain doesn't terrify him like it used to. He's been in the fight club for too long to be too frightened anymore, and he's faced more than one terrifying opponent in the ring. But still--Tetsuya is scared of him. He hates that he is, but he can't help it--Akashi is, after all, the one who had the Generation of Miracles underneath his thumb. 

Sometimes he wonders if they never escaped. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Winter Cup is well under way, but Tetsuya still remembers the Kirisaki Daichi match with a startling clarity.

Tetsuya only ever remembers hating one thing: basketball, after the Teikou Meikou match. However he finds something else to hate, and this hatred isn't the sad, bitter, icy sensation that he remembers. 

No. When Tetsuya finds out what Hanamiya Makoto did to Kiyoshi, he discovers hatred that is tempered by fire.


	4. IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this one's pretty depressing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like really depressing

The real surprise is when Hanamiya Makoto shows up at the fight club.

In retrospect, Tetsuya knows that he shouldn't be surprised. This is the dick, after all, who hurt Kiyoshi's knee, and tried to hurt him during the Kirisaki Daichi game. Luckily Tetsuya isn't in the middle of a fight--he's safely ensconced in the crowd, surrounded in such a way that probably not even Takao's hawk eyes could pick him out. Tetsuya shakes his head, and thinks nothing of it--he'll just leave and go to the old place. He's not so concerned about Kiyoshi showing up there anymore, so it should be fine. He turns to the door, preparing to leave in the unlikely event that he's spotted--

"I challenge the Phantom!"

Tetsuya freezes, and a hush falls over the club. 

He turns, staring at the ring--there's no way, Hanamiya wouldn't--

The uncrowned king is standing in the center of a ring, and the two fighters who had been competing are groaning on the floor. Hanamiya looks half-crazed as his eyes search the crowd, trying to spot the Phantom. Tetsuya feels too stunned to move or react, because he's been challenged before, but not by someone he knows, not by someone he _hates_. 

Then Hanamiya speaks again. "Unless he's too much of a coward to!"

Tetsuya can see the knife on Hanamiya's belt--he knows this isn't going to be a fair fight (and who’s the coward now?). But he's been wanting to have a talk with Hanamiya ever since he learned what happened to Kiyoshi's knee. 

Tetsuya shrugs out of his sweater as he vaults over the side of the ring, leaving it hanging on the edge. Hanamiya still can't see him, even though Tetsuya is right in front of him, and he knows that the other teen will probably be startled when Tetsuya appears, but for once he doesn't care. 

"HAAAAAH?" Hanamiya shouts, turning in a wide circle. "Is the Phantom too scared to fight me? Is that--"

"I'm right here." Tetsuya says, deadly soft, flexing the muscles in his bare arms. He knows he must not look intimidating, with his tank top and his black shorts and his blue-white hair, but ice is crawling down his chest and into his heart and he can't bring himself to give a damn. 

(But there's a roaring in his head, and though his heart feels like it's frozen solid, his thoughts are only fire.)

As Tetsuya predicted, Hanamiya jumps a mile high, staring down at the younger boy. For a second his expression remains vaguely surprised--before his face twists into a wide smirk. "I knew it." He hisses. 

Tetsuya also expected that. 

He also doesn't care. 

Instead of responding, Tetsuya abruptly twists and drives his elbow deep into Hanamiya's side, following with a savage uppercut to the jaw. He feels almost as though he's in slow motion as he kicks out Hanamiya's knees from beneath him, and the older teen topples like a falling tower. Tetsuya almost presses his advantage, but abruptly retreats, because his frigid heart tells him _wait, we want to cause pain, not finish it easy. Make him suffer like Kiyoshi suffered!_

Hanamiya slowly rises, wiping spittle from the corner of his mouth away. His eyes are suddenly wary, as though he only just realized that he was fighting an experienced opponent who should be taken seriously. "Don't you want to talk?" He asks. "That's what your dear Teppei would do, isn't it?" From the way he's looking around, it's obvious that Tetsuya has vanished from his perception. 

Tetsuya uses the opportunity to swing around and leap onto Hanamiya's back, wrapping his legs around the older teen's waist and closing his arms around his neck, squeezing. As Hanamiya staggers breathlessly, trying desperately to claw the smaller boy off, Tetsuya leans in and whispers,

_"I'm not Kiyoshi."_

Then Tetsuya jumps off and vanishes again, keeping to the outside of the ring. Hanamiya is looking scared now, his hand slowly edging toward the knife in his belt, and Tetsuya thinks he should feel bad about that, should stop what he's doing, but he doesn't care. This bastard knew exactly what he was doing when he tried to take out Kiyoshi's knee, he knew the second year might never play again--

Tetsuya imagines Kiyoshi, loving basketball and never being able to play it. He imagines Kiyoshi in the stands, cheering the team on by himself, never to know the comfort of that sort of camaraderie again, and the fire in his head roars like thunder--

He tries to imagine Kiyoshi like himself, cold and frigid and never happy again--

Something in Tetsuya _snaps._

The next few seconds are a blur--

There's the flashing glint of a knife, thin and sharp in the dull lighting--

There's the vague sense of flesh hitting flesh, of a groan and a noise of pain--

There's a sharp sort of sensation on his arm, but it doesn't hurt so Tetsuya doesn't care--

"-suya!" 

Warmth. 

Tetsuya abruptly freezes, trying to pinpoint what this feeling is, this sensation in his frigid chest. It's....

Fondness. 

Reality abruptly crashes back down, and Tetsuya staggers, the weight of his injuries slamming down on him all at once. His arm is burning, and so is his side; his legs feel like they're going to be black and blue in the morning. But--

"K...Kiyoshi...senpai?" He stares up at his upperclassman, trying to focus but oddly unable to. Kiyoshi looks--well, he looks terrified, and his hands are digging into Tetsuya's shoulders. "What..."

"Kuroko, are you--are you--" Kiyoshi frantically turns over Tetsuya's arms. "Dammit--this looks like it needs stitches-- _dammit--_ "

"Teppei, what do we do?" 

Dazed, Tetsuya looks over, and Hyuuga swims into view. "Hyuuga...senpai?"

Hyuuga glances over at Tetsuya, the expression on his face lost and just as scared as Kiyoshi's. "Ah--Kuroko--ah--"

"Why did you do that?" Kiyoshi asks, drawing Tetsuya's attention back to him. "Kuroko, why--why would you--"

Tetsuya slowly, slowly looks over Kiyoshi's shoulder until he spots Hanamiya. The older teen looks terrified, his blood stained knife clutched in one hand, his face a mess of black and blues. 

Tetsuya feels both guilty and satisfied all at once. 

"What...what he did to you..." Tetsuya begins.

"No!" Kiyoshi cries, shaking Tetsuya. "No, Kuroko, this wasn't the right thing to do!"

"I didn't want you to be like me." Tetsuya whispers, his emotions an odd mess of hot and cold. 

Kiyoshi looks wrong-footed; his mouth opens a little, and he takes a step back, like he actually can't believe Tetsuya said that. 

Tetsuya doesn't know why. He wouldn't wish being him on anyone. 

"I..." Tetsuya looks down at his hands. His knuckles are stained red. "I'm..."

He just beat someone.

He didn't just beat them--he tried to inflict the maximum amount of pain he could with his own two hands. 

His breath catches in his throat, and the taste of bile enters his mouth--he--

"I'm sorry." He whispers, still staring at his hands, which are starting to tremor finely. "I just--I got so--I'm sorry."

He was no better than the Generation of Miracles. 

God. What a hypocrite. 

"I'm." He sucks in air. It rattles in his chest. The odd warmth has faded, replaced with bitter cold. "I didn't mean to..."

"That's anger, Kuroko." Kiyoshi whispers, and Tetsuya almost recoils when he hears the upperclassman's voice tremble. . "Anger does that to you. Is that something you've been spared from, too?"

Tetsuya is frozen, because--

It takes heat to feel anger. He has only felt nothing but sadness and cold resignation. 

Spring didn't just bring joy. 

"It twists you. It makes you do awful, awful things. Kuroko," Kiyoshi takes a deep breath, and folds Tetsuya's hands in his own. "You have to control it. And you have to promise me, that you will never, ever do this again."

It's the easiest promise he's ever had to make--but for some reason, it feels so much more important than any others. Because Kiyoshi and Hyuuga and Hanamiya all look terrified of him, and Akashi's blood red eyes still pierce his head and make him shiver.

And what he did today....he terrifies himself, just a little. 

"I promise." He whispers, and then leans over to press his forehead onto their joined hands, hiding his eyes. Kiyoshi doesn't comment about the wetness pearling over his hand. "I-I promise I'll never, ever do it again."

\---------------------

Giving up fighting is harder than it should be. 

Especially since Kiyoshi and Hyuuga are either avoiding him or side-eyeing him like he's about to attack somebody. Kagami and Aida are a breath of fresh air, but still, without his senpai or his fights, the night deadens his thoughts and spiraling frost crawls through him. He's so used to little sleep that he spends half the night tossing and turning, and the adrenaline that used to keep him sharp in a match is now just torture. Thinking just makes it worse, and guilt courses through him every time he remembers Hanamiya's terrified eyes. Kiyoshi and Hyuuga's suspicion haunts him, sometimes even in his dreams, and every morning he wakes up and wants to fall right back asleep. 

Pretending that he's okay is...unnervingly simple, actually. Because hardly anyone pays attention to him anyway; hiding the deepening darkness under his eyes and the increasing fatigue in his body is no matter for him.

_(All he can think is Kiyoshi is wrong, no one cares about you and no one should care about you, you're a monster, a hypocrite and a monster--)_

But...he hurts, a lot. More than he has before. He thinks it's because his ice melted, leaving him happy and angry and emotional in a way he's never been before. Losing Kiyoshi and Hyuuga feels different than the Generation of Miracles--somehow much more painful. Because this time it was all him, he was cruel and angry and he lost them because of it. 

He is vulnerable in a way he has never been, and he just lost two of his most steadfast friends. 

It's no wonder that he self-destructs. 

\-----------------

They've just beaten Rakuzan.

Akashi is better now, whole; his eyes are clear, like how he was in their sixth year. It seems he's finally realized the true meaning of friendship. 

Tetsuya feels a dull sort of satisfaction, distant and numb. He thinks that he should probably be happy, but he's lost the ability to feel anything at all. That should probably worry him, but it really doesn't. 

Kagami is hugging him, almost crying with happiness, and Tetsuya hugs back mechanically, wondering why he can't feel any warmth at the touch. He frowns and flexes his fingers a little, but lets the thought go. He's pretty sure it's not important.

"We did it, Kuroko!" Kagami crows, seemingly oblivious to Tetsuya's musings. "We beat them." He barks out a laughs and pulls away, eyes shining. "We beat them!"

Tetsuya pauses for a second, wondering why it's so important--but Kagami seems so pleased, he should at least humor his friend. A small, false smile spreads across his face, and he knows it wouldn't fool a lot of people, but Kagami has never been the most observant. "Yeah. We did."

Kagami's grin fades as his hands travel down to grip Tetsuya's wrists, and the smaller boy can't help but curse himself for not being a more convincing liar. Kagami was happy, dammit. "Kuroko, are...are you okay?" 

He forces his smile wider. "Yes, of course. I'm just a little emotional right now." He searches for the right words, and finds simplicity. "It's over."

Kagami is still staring at him, and for once his eyes are blank and unreadable--but then he claps Tetsuya over the shoulder and bounds over to where Kiyoshi and Hyuuga are just standing, foreheads pressed together. Tetsuya thinks that the scene is probably too intimate for Kagami to interrupt, not that the taller teen cares. 

Tetsuya signs and shivers--the sweat is drying on his arms and his pulse is fading back down to normal, leeching all the warmth from his body and leaving him feeling cold and bereft. It's unusually chilly in the gym, especially considering that there's thousands of people in it right now. 

"Kuroko." 

Tetsuya glances up slowly, and Akashi stands before him, tears on his cheeks and an apology in his eyes. It’s--it should be everything he’s ever wanted; the Generation of Miracles is defeated, now fallen from their monuments like toppled gods. They understand now, that it takes a team to win and be happy, not just victory, and now they won’t hurt people like they did before. 

And yet--

Akashi smiles, small and lopsided. “That was a good game, Kuroko.” His grin deepens, even as tears streak down his face. “Rakuzan will definitely win next time.”

Tetsuya hesitates, and distantly dips his head in acknowledgement, a brittle, forced smile on his face. “I look forward to it.”

And then--to Tetsuya’s horror--Akashi stares at him, expression clearing, his eyebrows furrowing into a confused v. Tetsuya was hoping Akashi wouldn’t approach him, because even though the rest of Seirin is oblivious to his presence most of the time, his old captain has always been able to see through him like glass.

“Kuroko...are you okay?” Akashi’s frown deepens as he looks at Tetsuya--really looks, with his sharp, perceiving eyes, and takes in the bags underneath his eyes and the startling sharpness to his shoulders. 

“I…” Tetsuya looks to the side, preparing to lie, because what could Akashi do to help? Tetsuya hurt someone, people are scared of him now, and he deserves it. But unbidden, the truth slips out, and some part of him screams to shut up, but the rest is just tired of keeping it a secret. Akashi always knows when he’s lying, anyway. “Ah--no, not really.” He’s quick to add, “It’s nothing you need to worry about, though. Really.”

“Kuroko, you look _awful._ ” Akashi steps forward, and Tetsuya can’t help but flinch and step back. “Who’s been taking care of you?” Another step forward, another stumbled step back, and Akashi impatiently grabs his shoulders to stop him. “No--stop moving for a second, Kuroko. Jesus, you’re freezing! What’s wrong?” 

Tetsuya is frozen in place, and it takes all his willpower not to go up and hug Akashi, because he’s cold and tired of Kiyoshi and Hyuuga’s (not unfounded) suspicion. He just wants things to go back to the way they were when he was a child, when he had Shigehiro and even though he was pretty lonely even then, at least he wasn’t hurting people. At least he wasn’t a monster. 

The thought makes him shake out of Akashi’s grip, and he twists away, curling in on himself defensively. “I’m--I’ll be fine, Akashi. You shouldn’t--just go back to your team. It’ll be okay.”

"Kuroko," Akashi says, then louder when Tetsuya steps into the crowd of people and vanishes. 

Tetsuya can't talk to him about it, though. He doesn't deserve to. 

\---------------------

Tetsuya stands outside the burger joint, staring inside to where Kagami is seated at his usual seat. He isn't eating, though; there's the huge tray of burgers in front of him, and a vanilla milkshake stands across from him. 

Tetsuya desperately wants to go inside, rocking back and forth on his heels at the door. But--

He can't face Kagami.

He doesn't know if he'll ever be able to again. The shame is choking, and it freezes his feet to the concrete. 

His breath catches in his throat, and he takes one last longing look at Kagami before twisting away. 

\---------------------

Tetsuya goes to practice, then to school. He eats mechanically at lunch, and then goes to practice again. Then he goes home and does his homework, makes his lunch for the next day, and goes to bed. If the groceries are running out, he might stop by the store. 

At night he lies in his bed, wide awake, too tired to do anything else but too energized to fall to sleep. His guilt and his loneliness is slowly being replaced by a dull, comfortable numbness, where he feels nothing at all. His heart is rebuilding the ice shields, slowly but surely. 

The others hardly notice him anymore, because he's made it so. Occasionally Kiyoshi looks confused, like he's trying to remember something important, but Tetsuya has buried himself in everyone else's presence, so the older teen soon forgets.

_This is the way it should be,_ he thinks absently. 

A voice that sounds like Kiyoshi asks, _why?_

_Because you need to control yourself. You scare people otherwise._

It was an acceptable answer. 

But sometimes Tetsuya felt like no one would notice if he vanished forever.

(Maybe it would even be better that way.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry
> 
> I swear it gets better


	5. V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wrappin it up

A day later, Kagami finally breaks. 

"Okay, that's enough." Kagami growls, and Tetsuya stops, along with the other second years; all are confused. After all, Kagami loves basketball, and it's not unusual for him to continue playing when everybody else is exhausted. 

Then, to everyone's surprise, Kagami turns around and advances on--

Tetsuya forces his feet to stay where they were as Kagami approaches, but the urge to run is so strong that he physically stumbles back when Kagami gets close. The others in the gym are silent, either stunned by Kagami's sudden outburst, or that Tetsuya has seemingly appeared out of nowhere. He knows that his lack of presence has kept them from seeing him for a while--it's probably even caused him to drift from their memory. It's no wonder they're surprised. Kiyoshi most of all--his eyes have grown wide and all the blood has drained from his face, and he looks horrified. 

"What's the matter with you, Kuroko?" Kagami grumps in his typical worried-not-worried way. "You're too skinny, you look like you never sleep, and I hardly see you happy anymore. What's wrong?"

Tetsuya thought that Kagami hadn't noticed. He opens his mouth to respond, but before he can get a word out, Hyuuga interrupts him, pale but recovering swiftly. "Everybody except Kuroko, Kagami, Teppei and Riko--leave, now."

Mitobe nods in understanding, but Koganei and Izuki are quick to protest. Hyuuga shuts them down immediately, though, and Aida tells them to run laps while they're talking. After a few seconds, the gym is completely silent; Hyuuga, Kiyoshi, Aida and Kagami are all staring at each other but more specifically Tetsuya. For once he can’t read their expressions, any of them, and their blank eyes make him feel strangely vulnerable. Especially Kiyoshi’s and Hyuuga’s. 

Again, Kagami is the first one to speak. “Kuroko, I know that something’s wrong. Ever since--no, maybe before Rakuzan.” He grimaces. “Coach agrees with me, right?”

Aida nods, her eyes tracing the sharp planes of Tetsuya’s face her face an odd study of grimness and bewilderment. “You’ve lost a lot of weight, Kuroko, and I’m sorry I missed it, but it can’t continue. If this goes beyond basketball, I want to help anyway I can.”

Tetsuya shuts his eyes and shakes his head, not able to look at either of them--because Kiyoshi and Hyuuga are still standing there, and he can’t bare to face them. Not when they know his shame.

“Kuroko….”

Kiyoshi’s voice is so, so soft and so, so gentle, but Tetsuya nearly flinches when he hears it, because why would the upperclassman sound like--like he cared? Like he wasn’t suspicious? 

Why is there a sharp pain in his chest when he hears Kiyoshi’s voice, full of wistfulness and bitterness and loneliness? He shouldn’t feel anything anymore--it’s safer, for him and for everyone around him. 

“Is this about--what happened?” 

Tetsuya glances sharply at Hyuuga, and inadvertently catches him and Kiyoshi holding hands, and they’re so tense the veins in their hands stand out sharply. He wonders why they even need to ask--surely they’ve been avoiding him for the same reason? Surely he didn’t imagine days of side-eyeing that eventually faded into apathy, and the low, burning ache of loss that followed? 

Surely not. 

Hyuuga seems to realize that this is a stupid question, because he flushes a little, but doesn’t break eye contact. 

Aida looks between the three of them, a dawning expression of realization on her face. "Teppei, Junpei, what do you know about this?"

"I--" Tetsuya can't help but interrupt, because he won't force his two senpai to talk about his biggest failure. "I joined a fight club a while back."

"What?!" Kagami and Aida shout in unison, though it quickly descends into nonsensical shouting that Tetsuya can't understand a word of. Kiyoshi and Hyuuga look like they'd be laughing if the situation wasn't so serious.

Tetsuya shakes his head, and waves his hand in a motion that stops Aida and Kagami in the middle of their words. It really just gives Aida a chance to interject, "Kuroko, what the hell is wrong with you?! You're certainly not a fighter--"

Okay. That's a little insulting. He may feel guilty and shameful and wretched, but if nothing else he's always been a good fighter. Annoyance sweeps through him, and he almost wants to invite her to a match sometime, prove to her that his mettle is as strong, if not stronger, than the others in the club--

No. 

That's what got him into this mess in the first place. 

"I joined because it helped." Tetsuya says quietly, not looking at Kiyoshi but feeling the older teen's eyes more than ever. "I was--it's complicated." He shudders and takes a deep breath. "I--ended up hurting someone."

"We stopped him," Kiyoshi follows equally softly, expression regretful and compassionate. "But he seemed pretty shaken up by it, so Hyuuga and I decided to give him some space to handle it." His mouth twists. "I don't remember when, but somehow, Kuroko, you just....vanished. From my perception, and I couldn't..." He looks down, expression growing distant as he thinks, struggling to remember. "I somehow forgot to help you--why did I do that?"

Something rings like a bell just struck in his mind; an odd emptiness that for once, for once, does not feel numb. He just feels...hollow. Because of course. They gave him space and he saw it as rejection; they forgot about him and he saw it as justification. He’d just automatically assumed that they were going to hate him--but…

Wasn’t he the one who said that people who’ve made mistakes can change? Didn’t he spend an entire year fighting for and against the Generation of Miracles’, knowing that he could help them even though they'd done such terrible things to Shigehiro?

How...how is he so different? 

It’s tentative, but a voice whispers, _Maybe we are not so different. Maybe Kiyoshi and Hyuuga and Kagami and Aida will fight for me, and maybe they will be the ones who are happy that I’ve come back to them._

Something in Tetsuya's chest trembles, and a small spark of hope blooms like crocuses in the snow. It’s too tenuous, much too tenuous to say to anyone at this point, but the idea is still there. He feels a little emboldened by the fact that his senpai and Kagami are all standing around him, worried, trying to reach out. 

"It's okay." He says quietly, and something is melting in his shoulders, stress and tension and relief all at once. "It happens, when I misdirect."

He will forgive them. He will forgive them over and over again, if it means that they will fight for him when the need arises.

If it means that he is loved. 

"That's no excuse." Kagami growls unexpectedly, and when Tetsuya looks over he's glaring at everyone with a deep scowl on his face. It's only then that Tetsuya notices that for all he is relaxing, Kagami just looks like he's tensing more and more. It seems that his own introspection didn’t affect Kagami’s roiling, black anger. "If you knew he was in trouble, you shouldn't have left him alone! Just because he constantly is doesn't mean he wants to be!"

Tetsuya's breath catches in his throat.

"Otherwise he wouldn't hang out with us all the time! Or meet me after practice in the burger shop every day!" Kagami addresses Tetsuya now, and every word is overwhelming and wonderful. "If you ever need anything, Kuroko, you shouldn't wait for others to approach you."

Oh, Kagami. 

Blunt and harsh and honest in all the best ways. It's not in him to dance around the subject, so he doesn't, and it either hurts you or makes you like him even more. But one thing's for sure--you'll never, ever doubt his word.

He wonders if he should explain, how he thought that Kiyoshi and Hyuuga hated him and had he known things definitely would have been different. It seems a little petty, though, to make excuses for himself, especially considering his senpai’s stricken looks. 

Also, he just feels way too emotionally drained to talk about it; his own heart was until just recently numbed so much he could barely feel anything. Now that his defenses are down, there’s a sudden influx of emotion--relief, bitterness, a little guilt tempered by an edge of betrayal, quiet wonder at his realization. Right now he just wants to curl up in his room and deal with it, without everyone staring at him with such worried eyes. 

It’s ironic, that before he would’ve given anything to have people look at him, no matter how much he would have denied it--and now that he has the attention, he just wants it gone. 

How...utterly confusing. Tetsuya is beginning to get a vague understanding of why he shielded himself from emotions--clearly logic has no place in the heart. 

And also, emotions hurt, a lot. A broken heart hurt more than any punch or kick ever did. 

But now, surrounded by people who….cared about him, actually wanted to talk to him and didn’t want to forget him…Tetsuya felt something give right around his heart. He felt a wave of--relief, and contentment, and something warmer he couldn’t place all at once, so strong that it nearly made his knees give out. 

These emotions--these were the sweetest things he had ever tasted, like honey warmed by the sun, or spun sugar that melted on the tongue. It was a warm summer day, and a fresh breeze that carried the scent of wildflowers and rain that was soft and gentle on the skin. It was the twinkling stars in the sky painted on a navy blue canvas, the moon hung heavy like undulating quicksilver between the clouds. 

Yes, emotions hurt. But--but they could also be something beautiful. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Epilogue

Tetsuya sits in the burger joint, slipping languidly on his vanilla milkshake as he watches the passersby. Most don’t notice him; most never will. It is a fact that he has long come to accept, but only recently has he truly made his peace with it. It still hurts, on occasion, that most people forgot about him as soon as they met him, but it is a passing ache. 

He has everyone he needs. 

The door makes a loud scraping sound as it opens, and a tall teen with vibrant red hair steps through. He scans the joint, and predictably looks right over Tetsuya, but he doesn’t appear to be too alarmed; after all, if Tetsuya wasn’t going to be there he would have texted. Tetsuya never misses their after-practice dinners, if he can help it. 

Tetsuya watches Kagami with half-lidded, amused eyes, following the massive tray of burgers that only seems to grow as it approaches. Without preamble he steals a sandwich, and Kagami doesn’t even react to his presence, long since used to Tetsuya showing up out of no where. Instead he plops into his seat, and grumbles, “Order your own damn burgers. It’s not like you can’t afford it.”

Tetsuya smiles slightly and takes a dainty bite of the burger, before washing it down with a sip of the milkshake. “But they taste much better when I get them from your pile.”

Kagami rolls his eyes, and digs into the sandwich pile, stuffing his face with burger after burger. Tetsuya had once tried to get him to slow down, but that had only caused his friend to eat faster (and, subsequently, ended in the hospital), so he settles in for a disgusting performance of foodie athleticism. It will only take a minute or two, anyway. 

Sure enough, only a short time later Kagami pushes away the empty tray and leans back in his chair. Tetsuya offers him a toothpick, which the taller teen accepts with a small grunt of thanks. “So where are we going today?”

“It’s Aida-senpai’s birthday today, Taiga-chan.” Tetsuya responds, polishing off the rest of the burger he’d stolen. “Didn’t you hear Kiyoshi-senpai and Hyuuga-senpai panicking about it?”

Now that Kiyoshi had completed his knee-surgery and rehabilitation, it seemed as though the older teen could never sit still. It was a mixed blessing; Kiyoshi was healed, but he was also an exhausting whirlwind of energy. 

“What are they so worried about?” Kagami wonders, absentmindedly flicking his tongue over his toothpick to maneuver it. Tetsuya can’t help but stare for a second, fixated on the motion, but then he realizes that Kagami is watching him with a rather odd look on his face and _he is expected to answer_. 

If Tetsuya were the blushing type, he would be beet red right now. As it was, he simply shrugs and says, “It doesn’t matter how well they’ve planned it. They’re like parents; they’ll worry anyway.”

Kagami considers the answer for a second, before sighing loudly and flicking the toothpick into the trashcan next to him. “Actually, Hyuuga is the one who worries. He just rubs off on Kiyoshi and makes them both _insane_.”

“That’s how married couples are,” Tetsuya says sagely, shrugging his bookbag onto one shoulder. 

The warmth of the summer day blasts into the two of them on their way out; the last few days have been insanely humid, but today is perfect. The air is balmy but not obnoxiously so, and the sun glows on the horizon, sending beams of brilliant color across the sky. 

Perfect for Aida’s birthday party. 

Kagami lets out a loud bark of laugh at Tetsuya’s words, and slings a casual arm over his shoulders. Tetsuya immediately feels heat crawling up his neck and onto his face, and he’s so embarrassed he nearly shakes out from under Kagami’s hold. Almost is the key word, though--he enjoys the contact too much, and the taller teen’s warmth seeps through his jacket and onto his skin like liquid fire. 

“They are kind of married, aren’t they?” Kagami laughs again, and Tetsuya ducks his head but he can’t help the smile that creeps across his face. 

 

(There’s still ice around his heart. He still has bad days, where he feels numbness and depression lingering beneath his skin, and where shame nearly cripples him. Maybe he will never shed all the ice, not completely; there was too much pain, too much loneliness. 

It’s okay, though. 

There are more good days than bad days now. His heart blossoms under the steady sunlight of his friends, and being ignored no longer feels so cruel. Because Kiyoshi and Hyuuga jokingly call Tetsuya their child, and Kagami grumps cutely but lets him steal hamburgers, and Shigehiro takes him out for coffee every weekend so they can gossip like the teenagers they are.)

(They go back to the fight club occasionally, because Kagami didn’t believe that Tetsuya could put up a good fight. The shorter boy ended up giving Kagami a concussion, which of course prompted Aida, Hyuuga, Kiyoshi and Kagami to go out to the ring with Tetsuya. At first Tetsuya was a little hesitant, too frightened to let himself enter the zone as he once did, but he soon learned that anger no longer held sway over him.

(Hyuuga spent all of Tetsuya’s matches hiding his face in Kiyoshi’s shoulder, muttering ‘I can’t watch I can’t watch’.)

By the end of the night, Tetsuya was in fine form, and Aida and Kagami were so shocked they sort of just followed Kiyoshi and Hyuuga for an hour, unable to form words.

Tetsuya laughed silently at them. Amateurs.

(Hanamiya comes back one day, and when Tetsuya sees him it’s like getting stabbed in the chest, because he can’t help but remember that awful time during the Winter Cup. But Hanamiya very, very stiffly bows a tiny bit, and apologizes in the most muffled voice he can manage, loathing infused in every word. Then he walks away. Tetsuya is too confused to even attempt to respond. He’s still at a loss as to what, exactly Hanamiya wanted out of that confrontation.))

(Tetsuya is a creature of the shadows. That will never change, and he doesn’t want it to; it’s just in his nature. 

But he is a shadow of the best kind, now; the kind that plays with you in the sunlight, the kind that warbles in the afternoon air and holds you close at night. He is a shadow that knows love, and happiness, and kindness.

He is Kuroko Tetsuya. 

And he wouldn’t have it any other way.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel a little bad, since this is the last chapter. I know some of you guys were excited for the development of the plot after Makoto, but this is it. I wanted something short and sweet about Kuroko finding happiness after being lonely for so long, and this is it. I hope I didn't disappoint.
> 
> Thanks to everyone who reviewed!


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